The D/s dynamic that works for you: We talk about D/s in very general terms as “Dominance and submission” but it can mean so much more. Are you into Caregiver/little (Daddy Dom, Mommy, littles, babygirl/boy)? Maybe Master/slave? Handler and puppy? Just like our kinks, our relationship can be anything we make of it. You can be a little of everything, depending on your mood, your partner, and what works for you right now in your life.
If you’re not sure what dynamic you want, this may be a good time to explore and think about your options. If you’re in a relationship right now, we encourage you to think of the other aspects of D/s that intrigue you and see if there’s a way you can explore that.
Like I said with D/s titles, I consider myself a "submissive." I'm a bit of a little (no age regression) and I do want a Daddy. Simultaneously, I want a Master who can be caring (maybe that's just want rather than a full-on Daddy Dom—I'm still trying to figure that part out). I, myself, aspire to be a slave, but that's unrealistic right now as I'm in school and in a LDR. I think my dynamic may change as my life situation changes, and I'm okay with that.
Exploring your kinks together: D/s is a power exchange relationship. It’s a kink, but it’s not all the kinks out there. In your D/s relationship, in order to keep it healthy and vibrant, you’ve both got to grow - together. Part of this might be in exploring your kinks together.
Today, if you’re in a relationship, it may be time to talk about kinks you’d both like to try but haven’t yet. Find what aligns or what you both find interesting and start exploring. If you’re single, make a list of the kinky things you’d like to try with a partner.
When I started becoming interested in BDSM and reading an increasing number of BDSM-flavored romance novels, I was also keeping a mental tally of what turned me on and what was never going to happen. That being said, I'm still exploring my kinks. If you have any resources (e.g. a glossary of kinks or a checklist) please tell me. I'm always looking for new information.
For couples, LovingBDSM has recommended Simpatic, a service where for $40, a couple makes an account and individually fills out a questionnaire then receives a report on where there are shared or complementary kinks. I hope to eventually do this with my Dom to get a more thorough understanding of our shared interests, but early on we realized we already shared quite a few.
Being D/s and Being Parents: There’s still a pervasive myth out there that if you have kids you’re not allowed to be kinky or that it’s impossible. Of course you’re allowed to be kinky and as parents ourselves, we can promise it’s definitely possible. Just like anything with parenting, you’ve got to learn to be very quiet and extremely creative.
If you’re a parent, today is a day to think about how you make your D/s work (or how you can make it work) while raising kids. And if you’re not a parent yet, imagine how you might handle things if you have children.
So, despite having a huge impregnation fantasy, I'm not actually sure I want to have kids. If I ever do and am in a D/s relationship, I would keep the D/s relationship 24/7, but much subtler than it had been behind closed doors. The way it would be represented to my kid(s) would be the same to how it's represented to the outside, vanilla world. Mr. Gallant and Ena's relationship in the Brie series is a good model:
“We keep to an informal protocol in our home. What looks informal to the outsider is actually formal between the two of us. We have transformed everyday phrases, titles and actions to have personal significance to us.”
Kayla Lords and John Brownstone of LovingBDSM also seem to have a good system going. I would try to emulate those two examples should I ever find myself becoming a mother.
Figuring out your tasks and rituals: Much like rules and other negotiated parts of your D/s relationship, you may want to incorporate tasks and rituals. Rules dictate behavior: behave this way, don’t do that, always do this. Tasks and rituals are often things you do for your partner or as a way to bring yourself (individually or together) back into your mental, emotional, and even physical D/s space. Tasks and rituals become more important as vanilla life interferes in your kinky one. These can be the things that make you feel your most Dominant or submissive self.
Can you think of tasks or rituals you already have or some you think you’d like to have that could be incorporated in a current or future D/s relationship?
I don't have any tasks (I'm single), but a routine is very important to me eventually. If you have any suggestions, please let me know.
Is 24/7 D/s right for you? Not every D/s relationship is meant to be a 24/7 relationship. Some people don’t want that level of responsibility (Dom or sub). For others, it just won’t fit in with their life. If you think you want it now or you might want it some day, today is the day to think about what that actually means. Like everything else in D/s, your 24/7 relationship can and will look different from someone else’s version.
Do you want to go to 24/7 at some point? Why or why not? What do you think that would mean for your D/s relationship?
Absolutely. Like I said in Day 2, I crave that kind of structure and submission in and out of the bedroom in my relationship. I think it would deepen and strengthen my D/s relationship because it wouldn't be a part-time thing anymore, but 24/7/365.
When a D/s relationship ends: We sincerely hope that whatever good, healthy D/s relationship you find yourself in never ends or doesn’t end on bad terms. But the reality is that, for at least some people, they’re going to experience a D/s break-up at some point. For submissives, it can be particularly hard as you’ve come to rely on a person to help guide you and then they’re gone. It’s not easy for Dominants, either. It’s important to know that many of the feelings you might experience are normal, and that you will recover.
Even though I ended my last D/s relationship, it still felt weird not having a Dom anymore. I think if I'm ever in a scenario where the Dom ended things, I'd have to remind myself I'm not a bad submissive just because things didn't work out between us (I have a tendency to catastrophize, it's not fun).
Drop is real: What goes up must come down. Subspace is the most common of the highs in D/s, but we know from experience that Dom or top space is real too. Which means sub and dom drop are real possibilities after you have intense kinky moments together. Drop won’t happen every time, and it won’t affect you the same way each time either. But it’s important to recognize what can cause it, and what it might feel like. You can’t eliminate it completely, but you can prepare for it.
Have you ever felt a drop after kinky play? Can you come up with some ways you might help yourself or your partner through it?
I've never experienced sub drop yet (because I've never played before). However, similar to my expectation of experiencing sub space (I'm super sensitive to hormones), I expect I'll be experiencing sub drop, too. Even in my vanilla life, I experience drop after a big social, family event. Because I struggle with depression, it's super important I have ways to deal with drop. I think some methods should be aftercare (i.e. cuddling, eating and drinking), maybe watching a show or movie, or napping until I'm back to myself.
Not everyone will go to space: Subspace or top/dom space isn’t a guarantee every time you get kinky or in every D/s relationship. The feeling comes from the endorphins, dopamine, and other feel good chemicals our brain produces in a really intense scene. Submissives report feeling floaty while many Dominants say it gives them hyper focus. Science backs this up, too.
So today, this is more about learning what it is but understanding you won’t always get there. For most of us that “space” is amazing, but it shouldn’t be the goal. Mutual pleasure, a release of emotions and tension, or the fulfillment of your desires are much better things to shoot for.
I kind of feel that I'll be able to go to space given I'm very sensitive to things, especially hormones, but even if I don't I think I'll be okay with that.
Have you heard of subfrenzy? You might have never heard of subfrenzy and still experienced it whether as the submissive or a Dominant. It’s a moment that happens for new submissives or submissives in new relationships where they get a little intense about their submission, sometimes to the detriment of their own safety.
It can be overwhelming in healthy relationships and dangerous in bad relationships. It’s good to know what it is and how to recognize it, even if you’re past the point of thinking you’ll be affected by it.
Sexual availability: In some D/s relationships (including ours), there is an agreement that the submissive will always be sexually available to their Dominant. While this can be a kinky, sexy aspect of a relationship, it always requires a great deal of trust from the submissive and responsibility from the Dominant.
What do you think? Does it sound deliciously sexy? Or does it not sound appealing at all?
What do I think? That it's deliciously sexy in all ways.