Drop is real: What goes up must come down. Subspace is the most common of the highs in D/s, but we know from experience that Dom or top space is real too. Which means sub and dom drop are real possibilities after you have intense kinky moments together. Drop won’t happen every time, and it won’t affect you the same way each time either. But it’s important to recognize what can cause it, and what it might feel like. You can’t eliminate it completely, but you can prepare for it.
Have you ever felt a drop after kinky play? Can you come up with some ways you might help yourself or your partner through it?
I've never experienced sub drop yet (because I've never played before). However, similar to my expectation of experiencing sub space (I'm super sensitive to hormones), I expect I'll be experiencing sub drop, too. Even in my vanilla life, I experience drop after a big social, family event. Because I struggle with depression, it's super important I have ways to deal with drop. I think some methods should be aftercare (i.e. cuddling, eating and drinking), maybe watching a show or movie, or napping until I'm back to myself.
Not everyone will go to space: Subspace or top/dom space isn’t a guarantee every time you get kinky or in every D/s relationship. The feeling comes from the endorphins, dopamine, and other feel good chemicals our brain produces in a really intense scene. Submissives report feeling floaty while many Dominants say it gives them hyper focus. Science backs this up, too.
So today, this is more about learning what it is but understanding you won’t always get there. For most of us that “space” is amazing, but it shouldn’t be the goal. Mutual pleasure, a release of emotions and tension, or the fulfillment of your desires are much better things to shoot for.
I kind of feel that I'll be able to go to space given I'm very sensitive to things, especially hormones, but even if I don't I think I'll be okay with that.
Have you heard of subfrenzy? You might have never heard of subfrenzy and still experienced it whether as the submissive or a Dominant. It’s a moment that happens for new submissives or submissives in new relationships where they get a little intense about their submission, sometimes to the detriment of their own safety.
It can be overwhelming in healthy relationships and dangerous in bad relationships. It’s good to know what it is and how to recognize it, even if you’re past the point of thinking you’ll be affected by it.
Sexual availability: In some D/s relationships (including ours), there is an agreement that the submissive will always be sexually available to their Dominant. While this can be a kinky, sexy aspect of a relationship, it always requires a great deal of trust from the submissive and responsibility from the Dominant.
What do you think? Does it sound deliciously sexy? Or does it not sound appealing at all?
What do I think? That it's deliciously sexy in all ways.
What do you think about orgasm control? Orgasm control encompasses a lot of different play. Begging for permission, denial, edging, forced orgasms, and even coming on command - there’s a lot there. Some people (like us) say, “We want it all!” And others only like certain parts of orgasm control. If you don’t like the idea of it at all, that’s okay, too.
This is a good time to think about what you know about orgasm control and what you think (or know) you want.
I'm in the "we want it all!" camp. That being said, I'm definitely not a denial slut. I need to know that release is coming (no pun intended) at some point. I might not know when but it needs to be an inevitability contingent on my Dom's timeline, not a mere possibility to always hope for but not always get.
Sex isn’t required for D/s: Did we blow your mind with this one? No, sexual activity (kinky or otherwise) isn’t required for a D/s relationship. Dominance and submission is about a power exchange, of receiving or giving up control. Sex is an added bonus. Sex is fun. Sex is not required. You may find, in your own D/s relationship, that sometimes the sex is almost vanilla but the rules of your relationship never falter.
Have you ever considered D/s without a sexual component? Would you be interested in something like it? How important is sex to your current or future D/s relationship?
These are just a few things to think about if the concept is new to you.
Finding your local community: We’re big champions of getting out into the local kink community. It’s not always possible for everyone, and sometimes the local community isn’t the right fit. But if you haven’t tried it yet, it’s definitely worth thinking about. You meet more people. You learn new things. And you spend time with people who understand you on a level you might not be used to.
Today, think about whether you think you’ll find a munch, a club, or a party. Have you done it in the past? What was your experience? Are you nervous or shy? Explore your feelings and consider whether the local community is a viable option for you.
I'm already part of the LovingBDSM community and attend their monthly, virtual munches ($7.99 for the "Kinky Fuckery" level of paid membership). As I've said before, I'm hoping to eventually find an in-person munch, a club, and a party. Fetlife has been a great resource for me, but unfortunately my schedule this summer didn't allow for me to attend any of the munches, clubs or parties in my area. Now that I'm back at college in Boston, I hope to go to one munch that I've had my eye on even when I was at home in New York. I also want to go to clubs, parties, and classes while in Boston, so if anyone has any suggestions, feel free to leave them below.
When real life interferes with your D/s: Yes, we know your D/s relationship is real life. Of course it is. But the rest of life sometimes interferes with the kinky fuckery you’d rather be having. Illness, death, finances - it all makes an impact on how much (if any) D or s is going on. Think about it for a while. Wrap your mind around the idea.
Does it surprise you that you might not maintain the same level of D/s during the stressful times? Do you think you know how you’ll handle your relationship when it does? What ideas can you consider that might help you when this happens?
It surprised me when it happened during normal, busy times, so not as much when it happened during a stressful time this summer. I think, cognitively, I knew that D/s could be hard to maintain when life gets stressful because it requires a lot of attention and energy and sometimes life doesn't let you give enough of one or either to D/s. But it was still a little surprising when I personally experienced it.
Maintaining D/s when you’re apart: Long distance relationships, trips without your partner, simply not living together - it all adds up to one thing: being D/s even when you’re not together. The solution you find for your relationship will be specific to you and to your circumstances, but if you’re already living through a long-distance relationship or you think you might one day, it’s good to think about how to make it work when you’re apart.
I'm currently trying to figure out how to make that work (theoretically for the future) because LDR is hard. If anyone has any tips, please let me know.
Today I made a decision I'd been thinking about for a few weeks. I ended things with my Dom. We ended on amicable terms after I clearly stated that my needs weren't being met and that we clearly had different priorities. I needed more rules, tasks, structure, and communication than he was able to provide.