Sexual availability: In some D/s relationships (including ours), there is an agreement that the submissive will always be sexually available to their Dominant. While this can be a kinky, sexy aspect of a relationship, it always requires a great deal of trust from the submissive and responsibility from the Dominant.
What do you think? Does it sound deliciously sexy? Or does it not sound appealing at all?
What do I think? That it's deliciously sexy in all ways.
What do you think about orgasm control? Orgasm control encompasses a lot of different play. Begging for permission, denial, edging, forced orgasms, and even coming on command - there’s a lot there. Some people (like us) say, “We want it all!” And others only like certain parts of orgasm control. If you don’t like the idea of it at all, that’s okay, too.
This is a good time to think about what you know about orgasm control and what you think (or know) you want.
I'm in the "we want it all!" camp. That being said, I'm definitely not a denial slut. I need to know that release is coming (no pun intended) at some point. I might not know when but it needs to be an inevitability contingent on my Dom's timeline, not a mere possibility to always hope for but not always get.
Sex isn’t required for D/s: Did we blow your mind with this one? No, sexual activity (kinky or otherwise) isn’t required for a D/s relationship. Dominance and submission is about a power exchange, of receiving or giving up control. Sex is an added bonus. Sex is fun. Sex is not required. You may find, in your own D/s relationship, that sometimes the sex is almost vanilla but the rules of your relationship never falter.
Have you ever considered D/s without a sexual component? Would you be interested in something like it? How important is sex to your current or future D/s relationship?
These are just a few things to think about if the concept is new to you.
Finding your local community: We’re big champions of getting out into the local kink community. It’s not always possible for everyone, and sometimes the local community isn’t the right fit. But if you haven’t tried it yet, it’s definitely worth thinking about. You meet more people. You learn new things. And you spend time with people who understand you on a level you might not be used to.
Today, think about whether you think you’ll find a munch, a club, or a party. Have you done it in the past? What was your experience? Are you nervous or shy? Explore your feelings and consider whether the local community is a viable option for you.
I'm already part of the LovingBDSM community and attend their monthly, virtual munches ($7.99 for the "Kinky Fuckery" level of paid membership). As I've said before, I'm hoping to eventually find an in-person munch, a club, and a party. Fetlife has been a great resource for me, but unfortunately my schedule this summer didn't allow for me to attend any of the munches, clubs or parties in my area. Now that I'm back at college in Boston, I hope to go to one munch that I've had my eye on even when I was at home in New York. I also want to go to clubs, parties, and classes while in Boston, so if anyone has any suggestions, feel free to leave them below.
When real life interferes with your D/s: Yes, we know your D/s relationship is real life. Of course it is. But the rest of life sometimes interferes with the kinky fuckery you’d rather be having. Illness, death, finances - it all makes an impact on how much (if any) D or s is going on. Think about it for a while. Wrap your mind around the idea.
Does it surprise you that you might not maintain the same level of D/s during the stressful times? Do you think you know how you’ll handle your relationship when it does? What ideas can you consider that might help you when this happens?
It surprised me when it happened during normal, busy times, so not as much when it happened during a stressful time this summer. I think, cognitively, I knew that D/s could be hard to maintain when life gets stressful because it requires a lot of attention and energy and sometimes life doesn't let you give enough of one or either to D/s. But it was still a little surprising when I personally experienced it.
Maintaining D/s when you’re apart: Long distance relationships, trips without your partner, simply not living together - it all adds up to one thing: being D/s even when you’re not together. The solution you find for your relationship will be specific to you and to your circumstances, but if you’re already living through a long-distance relationship or you think you might one day, it’s good to think about how to make it work when you’re apart.
I'm currently trying to figure out how to make that work (theoretically and for the future) because LDR is hard. If anyone has any tips, please let me know.
What kind of rules do you want? A Dominant may set the rules, but a submissive has to agree to them. Submissives may have an idea in their head what they need, but their Dominant might see another way of accomplishing the same goal. Rules are a part of the vast majority of D/s relationships from small to big. Some rules determine behavior in public, others are about private behavior. Some rules may be more common but there’s no right or wrong here.
Do you know what kind of rules you may want or need?
I definitely expect rules, but I don't really have any specific rules in mind, but I know I will probably have ones about how I dress and behave in public, with my Dom and without him: i.e. dress code and eye contact. I don't know if we'll do high protocol, but there are some pieces of that which intrigue me. I think some rules that I need will be towards helping me be healthier: eating healthier and 2-3x a day, getting at least 8 hours of sleep, and do the things I need to so I don't fall back into my depression. I think these rules would have to be determined during negotiation with my Dom, and I hope he would have some ideas on how to help me achieve these (and other) goals.
You may have noticed I didn't post Day 12 of this 30-day series and that's because it's about introducing kink into a vanilla relationship (which isn't applicable to me), so I skipped it. But I'm back with Day 13 below:
How do you feel about pain? Let us be clear, in D/s, pain isn’t a requirement. You don’t have to be a masochist or a sadist to be D/s. But it’s always good to have an idea of where you stand on the subject.
As a submissive, would you consent to a painful spanking as punishment? As a Dominant, do you want to inflict pain on your submissive? Does the idea of it turn you on or off?
There are no right answers with this one, but because it’s so common, it’s worth thinking about.
I'm definitely no masochist, but I'd definitely consent to a painful spanking as punishment. And I would probably endure certain amounts of pain—not because I would necessarily get off on it—but to please my Dom. More on that here.
What does consent mean to you? Most of us think of consent as a “Yes” or a “No” when it comes to sex. But really, whether in a vanilla or kinky relationship, there’s more to consent than that. Plus, some D/s relationships play with consensual non-consent. Some relationships have a rule that as long as the submissive is with the Dominant, consent is implied.
See? Much more than a yes or no question. Think about consent and what it means to you.
With so many rape cases in the news, especially in college, I'm of the strong belief that consent requires a consistent, enthusiastic agreement to continue whatever activity is occurring. I think the light system is a good way to show that. "Green" is definitely consent to continue, and "yellow" is permission to continue, but maybe slower or differently. "Red" or another safeword is the revocation of consent and the scene stops immediately.
Obviously, if there's a ball-gag involved or the submissive is a little too far gone to speak, or consensual non-consent is at play, that normal version of consent is a little hard—if not impossible—to give. In those cases, I would say maybe safe gestures or signals would be a good way to revoke consent, but that doesn't really leave space for a "slow down" signal like "yellow" unless there are 3 signals correlating to the light system.
What is your safeword? Safewords are the words or phrases we use in a kinky scene or while having sex to stop everything. Some people don’t want a safeword. Here at Loving BDSM we strongly suggest them when you’re in a new relationship or trying a new kink, but they’re not the only way to be safe either.
So, the question today is, what’s your safeword? If you don't want to have one, why not?
So... I think they're very important to have, and I plan to have one myself... I just haven't been able to pick one yet. It's a work in progress.